Unreasonable Fear

I grew up fearing African Americans and before you judge me as a racist, read my story.

When I was in Junior High School, schools became integrated. The African American students would stand in large groups blocking the sidewalk daring whites to try to get though them. I avoided the sidewalk. There was a small girl named Sharon who started making fun of me and I did my best to ignore her. I was not that outcast who gets bullied, I was fortunate to have many friends both male and female.

One day as I was walking to my friend’s house after school, a large group of African American students formed a circle around me. I was petrified because it was obvious that something was about to happen. Sharon moved to the center of the circle and started taunting me. She kept saying, “Push me!” over and over. I just stood still knowing that what usually happened in these situation was that if I made a move, the whole group would jump in and attack me. Another reason I wouldn’t make a move besides trying to avoid having my ass kicked was that I was appalled at girls or women fighting though I have to admit that I was a closet bully toward my sister. Luckily, one of the girls who was walking with us lived in the house in front of which I was confronted. Her mother came out and chased the group away. To be honest, I was petrified. I believe this happened because I was the only one small enough for Sharon to pick on.

Moving forward, where my friends and classmates might kid around with African American bully students, I wasn’t friendly or unfriendly toward them which was probably a downfall. In high school, a very large African American girl named Mary grabbed my windbreaker and ripped it off me which was not an easy feat. I said nothing. A small African American girl would tell me things like how she dreamed that my boyfriend’s car would get stuck on a railroad track and he would be killed. One night my best friend’s twin brother was beat with a baseball bat in the boy’s locker room after a baseball game by a group of African American students. I was friendly with some African American students but was still easily intimidated.

I had good experiences when I went into community college with fellow African American students so I started to get past my fear. Unfortunately, when I worked for a police department two African American co-workers claimed racial discrimination because I was transferred to the day watch and her friend was transferred to my previous watch in a move to separate the two friends in hopes of increasing productivity. Since I filled in a lot for people in key positions, it was considered a highly beneficial move by administration. I became stonewalled by the other clerical staff and when I asked someone why, they told me they could not go against these two girls and implied that they were afraid.

Because it was so painful to be ostracized, I requested to remain on my previous watch. The Sgt. was not happy because he told me that I was allowing myself to be bullied. The personnel manager and supervisory staff called a meeting of the clerical staff and a letter was read that one of the girls had written citing favoritism because I was white. They were upset because our administrative Sgt. used my work examples as the quality of work everyone should be putting out. In fairness, I had education and experience that was not the norm for the position. I took the job because it was something I always wanted to do. I never had to defend myself in this meeting because first of all the personnel manager offered to do some testing if they really wanted to know who was the best typist etc. Then one of my supervisors pointed out that I had been transferred from department to department continually and had never complained. There was no discrimination and it became clear in that meeting. After that meeting, things got back on a friendly basis because I didn’t hold a grudge. Shortly thereafter, one of the girls who caused the problem was fired for selling criminal records.

I worked a temp to perm job for a very difficult African American woman. She supervised six white Insurance Agents who had their own agency offices. She referred to them as “my white boys.” When I could no longer put up with her crude and rudeness, I quit though she begged me to stay. She made me uncomfortable by complimenting my looks in a creepy manner. An African American woman who had previously worked for her called me one day and wanted me to help her on her reverse discrimination suit. I declined. The agency had placed temp after temp in this woman’s office because no one would stay but I didn’t want the drama. I could have reported her for her racist remarks but I just wanted out.

These are prime examples of bullying yet I never recognized it as such until now. I saw it as being the target of anger for a past I had no part in. It is possible that these bullies were influenced by anger passed down from generation to generation and I did feel the fear that their forebears felt at being bullied by white slave lords. However, what purpose did any of it serve? It just repeated the same dance in reverse and did not solve anything for either side.

What I am learning today is that I cannot blame an entire race for the actions of some just as I am tired of being blamed for something I was not responsible for. We all just need to stop and do some deep reflection. We are allowing ourselves to be influenced by the hate groups and the support of their actions by the media putting it in our faces over and over again.

What if we just turned off our televisions in protest of being fed negativity hour after hour, day after day? What ifย  we stop looking at social media for a few days and depend on our own reflections? Its not like we haven’t seen enough to know what is out there. We are all being manipulated! Lets just stand up for ourselves and say, “Enough” at least for now and let things calm down.




11 thoughts on “Unreasonable Fear

  1. This is a very courageous post. Honest. I hope you feel lighter after getting it out. I use to feel this way about a specific group but not race. They were gang members, mostly Hispanic, and all illegal immigrants. Usually 14-17 years of age.
    I cannot describe the fear when I woke in the middle of the night and several were in my living room. Or when I use to sell weed (yes o know-bad-but when you’re homeless and an addict it sounds like a plan) they would follow me and harass me t night. I was beaten badly several times. I had gotten sick once, related to my meth addiction, and they videotaped it instead of helping me. A friend (who was African-American) saw and came to my side. I was coughing up blood and couldn’t breathe. Those boys just laughed at me. I was terrified.
    It took years, and educating myself, and forcing myself to meet people just like them in better circumstances to get over my fear.
    BUT when I watch the news that fear wells up again. Letting people into my world is scary. Reading about illegal immigrants raping and hurting others triggers that fear all over again and makes it feel like it happened yesterday.
    I’m sorry you were made to feel such fear. And like you, I’m so thankful that I understand it’s what’s within a person that makes them ‘good’ or ‘bad’. ๐Ÿ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words and thank you for reaching out to me in the first place. I felt very encouraged when you told me that I could share anything on your site.

      You are one hell of a woman. I hope you feel good about your accomplishments because you have made it through hell and more hell. That which doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.

      So, after hearing about what you went through, do you feel that Donald Trump is right?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow thank you for such kind words!
        I find it harder and harder to align myself politically.
        As much as I think Trump has gotten wrong, I DO agree with him partially on immigration.
        As civilized America evolves and changes and populates its land much of its laws, regulations and international role has remained mostly the same. This simply cannot be. People, especially those that NEED our country and its protection within our borders should be here-but not without an overhaul of our immigration system. It’s broken. We send home or hold young children in detention centers then let in adults that have no desire to be here other than to disrupt and stand against all we should be as Americans. It makes no sense! It infuriates me. If someone’s going to come and live in our country, then be an American first. If someone chooses to hate what we stand for then don’t be here anymore.
        Our forefathers did. Or envision terrorism for us or it would have been included under the second amendment. All lives matter, and I will stand with those who need me. That doesn’t mean I will simply step aside when any group goes too far and their acts encroach on my family’s safety or well being. If life is as precious as I know it to be, we should be weary of individuals coming from countries that harbor terrorists into ours. Rant over!
        Too much? I think I lost track there a bit๐Ÿ™„


  2. Not at all Bits! You answered my question helping me to see all sides. There are things that Asshole Trump stands for that make sense but he is not capable of carrying them out or at least not without creating more chaos. I have this tendency to blame him for everything that is going on not only here but all over the world. There is a right way of doing things then there is Trump.๐Ÿ˜


      1. I’m sleepy until I get ready for bed, then wide awake. If I do this for a few, I get sleepy. Oddly, if I try to go to sleep when I’m not sleepy, I will lay awake all night even if I get sleepy later. Dumb! Why are you awake? Ironing all those stiff clothes. I guess you can’t take them to the laundromat since your van is not running.๐Ÿ˜œ

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I wish I was doing laundry! I’m actually awake with baby…whose been up since 3pm…that’s like 10 flipping hours straight! Dunno what’s up but he’s in his high chair watching baby shows. At least he’s not running and screaming like he was 40 minutes ago.
        My stupid van. My dumb SUV. My leaky waging machine, dead dryer…oh and now my dishwasher won’t stay closed. What the heck right? It’s like God is telling me to sit-or save my money better lol

        Liked by 1 person

      3. When it rains, it pours and I’m not talking about Morton Salt. Danny had to fix our dishwasher because it kept flooding the kitchen. Was a busted hose. Glad he’s handy. Now I’m getting sleepy. Let’s see…for a wide awake baby…Vodka, Wine, Beer…Benadryl? I feel for ya but not able to stay awake with ya.

        Night luv๐Ÿ˜

        Liked by 1 person

  3. There’s this Anais Nin quote: “We see the world not as it is, but as we are.”

    I think it’s easy to draw generalizations from our limited experience, but much harder to recognize we’re doing so. I applaud you for trying to take a more open, inclusive approach, and not judge the many by the actions of the few.

    Liked by 1 person

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