DESPERATION (Part Two of Two)

13778409-graduate-girl-cartoonMy husband and I did not push our daughters toward marriage. We wanted them to have a good education, careers and to travel, not to base their worth on having a man in their lives. For the sake of their privacy, I won’t tell you how that worked out but certainly not according to our plans. As the saying goes, “If you want God to laugh, tell him your plans.

 

I believe that when you are not “looking” for a man or woman to settle down with, you are more yourself, more relaxed and it is more likely to happen. In that scenario, you meet someone and you are not trying to make something happen so chances are greater that it will work out if it is meant to.

060710-191.

The best way to have a long-lasting relationship is to look at it as a friendship and let it develop naturally. Jumping into bed when you first meet someone, while fun and possibly physically satisfying, often remains at that level and that’s great if that is all you are looking for. Whereas, if you get to know each other first and put the emphasis on that and having fun, there is a better chance for a long-term relationship.

images.duckduckgo.comThink about it this way: You fast track your relationship and have the dream wedding and romantic honeymoon. Yet, when you get into the reality of finances, housekeeping, family gatherings, jobs, likes and dislikes, etc. you start to see that:

 

 

28878075-couple-sharing-romantic-sunset-dinner-on-the-beach

  • 20638912-young-couple-arguing-in-the-kitchenHe/She seems to hate the mother that you love unconditionally.
  • He/She drinks much more than you were lead to believe.
  • He/She doesn’t actually like to eat in nice restaurants.
  • He/She puts his mother/father before you always.
  • He/She wants to control what programs you watch on television and more.
  • He/She is racist.

ETC.

A_Black_and_White_Cartoon_Two_Children_Walking_To_School_Royalty_Free_Clipart_Picture_100713-145833-444053We all know that people are usually on their best behavior when a relationship is new. Often we don’t see the nitty-gritty beneath the persona we are allowed to see in the beginning. However, there are usually signs that we ignore and we ignore negative signs because we want so badly for it to work. We say he/she is so good looking, so wealthy, so much fun and we want a long-term relationship or marriage.

15817148-heart-and-brain-that-dance-concept-of-physical-wellbeingWhen you see the signs, pay attention, because more than likely it’s not a one-time thing. If he/she gets drunk and insults your friends or family, don’t dismiss it as his/her just being drunk. People don’t do things drunk that they would not think of doing sober, alcohol is just an excuse. Don’t get into the mind-set of believing that he/she dotes on his/her mother or father so it stands to reason that he/she will dote on you because often it is just the opposite, she/he is number one in his/her life and always will be. And if he/she says that they don’t want a steady, serious or long term relationship or never want to marry, LISTEN. Many a man and woman have thought they could change a person’s mind on this subject and found out the hard way that the person meant what they said and the result was a broken heart.

12819865-two-red-dice-cubes-on-black-background

I ignored all the signs that were actually fire alarms with my ex-husband. I enjoyedparts of him that were different from men I had been in relationships with. He was intelligent, interesting, could be charming and we had a lot of interests in common. I was in a long-term relationship with him before we married and every symptom of a sick relationship was there and I saw them but I thought I was “different. I basically rolled the dice and lost myself.

Everything I did not want in a man was right out in the open for all to see and I wouldn’t 5754686-unhappy-couple-breaking-woman-trying-to-hold-back-man-leawing-with-suitcase-and-clothes-in-handquit. Why? I was hooked on having a relationship and too lazy to get out. I used the good days to get through the bad as in “This too shall pass.” I hung on until I couldn’t any longer. I detached from reality to get through the abuse and latched onto the apologies and words of love and empty promises. I was as much at fault as he was because I knew better and the exit door was not locked.

5b70f2f6b53ba55c8422cdac5a3951f2.thIt was a game of cat and mouse and I told myself that I was the true love of his life, the only woman (other than mommy dearest) that had ever truly had this heart and that I was good for him. I needed so badly to be loved and accepted that I took it where I found it, bad or good. The bottom line is that I didn’t want it to be known that I couldn’t make it work, didn’t want to be a failure and didn’t want anyone to know that someone would want to treat me badly. It was a facade and to this day I still have a need to let it be known that he still calls my mother in an attempt to hook and reel me back even though I have been married for 18 years. I also still need to let it be known that he truly loved me, yada, yada, yada. But who really cares?

Danny, my husband, and I dated for three years before we married and in that three years, we went through three years of couple and premarital counseling. I’m sure we both thought we knew everything about each other that could possibly matter. We knew a lot but there were things we ignored, things that have become issues to be worked out. Yet, we were in a place where we knew enough about each other that we believed that any obstacles could be worked out. We have worked through a lot in 18 years as all couples do. Though we have struggled at times, I believe that we would not have been able to get to where we are had we not known that the positive attributes made each of us worth hanging on to. These days when there are just the two of us, humor seems to be our best tool to resolving conflicts.

laugh2

A good relationship takes time to build and will only work if all the right parts are there.

counseling-20126462

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “DESPERATION (Part Two of Two)

  1. Hey you.
    This post made me cry, and for many reasons. I think every descent parent should say all these things to their daughters, before they even have their first crush. I didn’t have parents that gave enough of a shit to speak up. I’ve been through a lot, been told I was less than nothing for a long time. I missed every sign that my parents later claimed to see, but claiming I would never listen – never said a word. I wish they would have because just before I said I do my mind screamed to stop, but there was no one there to help me from the edge, from the fear. As a mother and a daughter I hope and pray that my daughter Birdie sees me and knows that if nothing else I’m not weak because I chose to stay, I’m strong because I’m still alive.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comments have been going to my spam folder for some reason. I just happened to be trying to figure out how I can delete some of my categories and saw 5 spam comments. I too had a moment where I asked myself what I was doing when Danny and I got married. I was taking on a lot in promising to raise three children who were having a rough time. I asked him before we married if I was always going to have to take back seat to them and he told me that he hoped we would take the back seat together. I knew I could bring some stability to their lives and that they liked and loved me but going to school, working, and trying to figure out how to be a step-mother to children who were struggling emotionally was frightening. Even though it was a rough road for them and for me, I have no regrets thought there are things I would like to have done differently. I gave the girls guidance that they needed from a woman. I am seeing the benefit now though I wish I could be more support for our daughter who is struggling with addiction. My mother knew and has always known that it would be hard on me because I am so emotional. There were times that I had to lock myself in our bedroom and call my mother during an emotional breakdown because I wanted to hit our youngest daughter. Our youngest was a source of frustration emotionally challenging for me but she is a light in my life. My mother would tell me not to unlock the door no matter how much our daughter begged. She had always worried that I was taking on too much. The kids have always been between Danny and I because it was difficult for him to put me first. He felt he had to protect them from me because, after all, they were there first and I was an adult but most of all because he was afraid of losing their love. That is one reason this move was so important for both of us. I told him before we moved that I had done all he asked and I was never number 1 in his life and he told me it was time for us. We did honor our marriage by having “date night” and still do. We also keep a mutual calendar so that we are always on the same “page”. Those are things that “stuck” from counseling.

      Never stop talking with your daughter and love her through the tough times. I promise you that it will be a challenge, she is, after all, a girl. No matter what they do, always be there for them. You don’t have to like what they do or enable them but your love and support often brings them through tough times with dignity. When our son got into serious trouble we stood by him though we did not bail him out. Danny and his ex-wife went to court appearances and we went to visit him. When he was sentenced to 7 years in federal prison, his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins were in the courtroom with his immediate family. We visited him in prison every two weeks and saw him doing everything he could to better himself. He had bad habits to overcome when he got out of prison but he didn’t waste any time. He married and started having children. The girl he married was a challenge for us for many reasons but because I took a page out of my mother’s book and honored his choice as well as encouraging his sisters to do the same, we are very close now. She has been very good for Kris and he, her. You see, my mother has always said, “As long as he/she is makes son/daughter happy, that is all that matters.” It is difficult for me to decide whether I am disappointed or grateful to my parents for honoring my choices with my ex-husband. They never interfered but sometimes I wish they had, not because it would have saved me any grief but because it would have helped me to feel more cherished.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. I have the same problem with following especially since we are having problems getting the internet. Time is limited but hope to have the problem resolved soon. I love reading others’ posts but time is limited so please don’t be offended at my slow moving reading because I want you to know that I very much enjoy your posts.😍

      Like

  2. I remember my boss once telling me years ago that one reason so many couples have problems is they simply don’t know each other well enough. They only see the good side during courtship and so they marry a stranger. Perhaps he was right.

    Like

    1. As you can see, I totally agree with him. I think all too often people go for looks, wealth etc. the first time around and love the second time around. Also, when people marry young, they often grow into different people with different interests. You marry your high-school boyfriend only to find that you want a professional career and a life in the city and he wants small town and hunting and fishing. I almost made that mistake.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That all sounds very plausible to me. Of course, people do sometimes marry their childhood sweetheart at a ridiculously young age and it all goes well. I think this is likely to be in only a small minority of cases, though.

        Like

  3. Practically speaking, I agree with you. Go on with your life and your life mate will appear. Don’t rush into a marriage – know everything you can about your intended. However, I know so many people in which the opposite has worked for them. Me? first marriage I knew my boyfriend/fiancé/then husband for 5 years before we married. 8 years later it was over. Met my current husband (32 years now) one month, fell in love by 2nd month, moved in together a few months later. So much I didn’t know about him and vice versa, but we knew the core from the beginning. So…. who knows?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. As always, there’s so much wisdom here. I love that picture (and sentiment) at the end that says “Laughter is the fireworks of the soul.” But even more than that, I was moved by that moment where you said, “I basically rolled the dice and lost myself.”

    You were betting on all the right things–love, hope, potential–but it sounds like, given the push your family gave you to get into a relationship in the first place, it was for all the wrong reasons. I wish I knew how to shield my daughter from such a gamble, but having heard so much of your story, Patricia, I promise you this:

    *We will never push her into a relationship.
    *If we see red flags, we will gently and rationally try to let her know we see them.
    *We will be a safe place she can always come to if she finds her relationship is not what she thought it would be (if indeed she even ends up in a relationship!)

    I wish loving her would prevent her from ever getting into a bad partnership in the first place, but just as we can’t push her into a relationship, so we can’t pull her from learning her own lessons on her own terms. I only hope when she does so, she’s like you: strong, capable, insightful. I hope she takes what she’s learned, for better or worse, and builds her life on a strong foundation of independence.

    Thank you, as always, for teaching me so much.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s