Childhood Sexual Abuse – Part One

I binge watched Dr. Phil last night and there were two shows about false accusations. One was a stepdaughter who is lies compulsively and  accused her stepfather of molesting her and one was a woman who accused her child’s father of physical and sexual abuse. How someone can fabricate something so serious and that will adversely affect a person’s life for the rest of their life, is beyond me.

As a survivor, I wish that those women could understand what an insult it is to those of us who truly experienced sexual abuse. My innocence was stolen from me. I never remember not knowing about sex. Imagine that as a 4 or 5 year old or perhaps younger, I knew that my parents had sex and what it entailed. I knew because I had an older boy orchestrate   intercourse between me and my brother when we were approximately 5 and 6. That is a secret I never thought I would write about. But my hope is that it will free me from the shame and anger. About the same time, a girl who went to our church was babysitting my brother and I and she molested me and him, though separately. And then there was my grandfather… I have blocked the details of all but the encounter involving my brother and remember only up to the actual acts. I did tell my mother about all but my grandfather but we have both blocked out the details of those conversations.

Back then, no one talked about it and no legal action was taken which is why so many women and men are coming forward later in life. I believe it was as rampant then as it is now, it was just kept quiet. Alcoholism can be a contributing factor. I heard a saying once, “Scratch and alcoholic and you will find a pedophile.” I am certainly not saying that all alcoholics are pedophiles just that they often go hand in hand.  Which is the contributing factor?  Do pedophiles become alcoholics or do alcoholics become pedophiles?

I have to wonder how someone can see a child as an object rather than an innocent human being. How can a man or woman see their own child as an object to fulfill their deviant desires? How can they believe that because it is their child, they are a possession to be used for pleasure? Then there are those parents who prostitute their children for drug money. Although sometimes it seems that suspicion has gotten out of hand, thank God that abuse is coming to light. Although the internet has encouraged blatant child objectification, it is also exposing the perpetrators.

More and more school teachers are being arrested for child molestation. I have a theory on that issue. Teachers are most often hired straight out of college so they are about 21 or 22 years old. The senior students can be as old as 20 so there isn’t that much age difference, hence the attraction. That, of course, doesn’t excuse the teacher or the student crossing the line but I don’t believe that young teachers should be hired to teach high school. Now when it comes to the older teachers and the garbage they are orchestrating, I am still shocked when it comes to light. Though even when I was in high school there were rumors about gay teachers and students, true or false.

Something of which I became aware when I worked at a police department was that many women will sacrifice their children for the sake of having a man in their lives. Sexual abuse by a boyfriend or husband would be reported and the mother would take the word of the man over her child. Why? Because they were desperate, as many women are, to have a man in their lives. I believe they knew the child was telling the truth but didn’t want to give up the man. Throughout history, we women have been pressured by society, especially our mothers, to get married and have children. It was an embarrassment to our parents if we weren’t  married by a certain age. Being that there were more women than men, there was a scramble to find and hold onto a guy, any guy. Or was/is it hormones driving the desperation? I don’t know but I have seen situations where we women couldn’t see the forest for the trees as evidenced by my last post. The atrocities in the news about the abuse of children by stepfathers and boyfriends make me wonder when we women will wake up. Not to leave the men out of this topic, there are men who look the other way as well, however, statistics show more sexual abuse by men than women.

I want to encourage all survivors of childhood sexual abuse to realize that it wasn’t our fault, we were not objects and to have been used as such was the product of a sick mind. Maybe it felt good and maybe that’s why we block memories perhaps out of some sense of guilt. However, we were children who didn’t understand that it was just a sensation, one we couldn’t control. There was a gained awareness of our body’s sexual reaction to stimuli and that may have added the guilt feelings. We may have even began to seek out stimuli or become promiscuous to duplicate that feeling. We didn’t understand that we were exposed to these sensations before we were equipped with the emotional maturity and knowledge for making responsible decisions regarding our actions.

Though this post started out in disgust for false accusations of sexual abuse, I would like to make the following suggestions based on personal experience and what I have observed. I do not hold myself out as an authority, these are just suggestions:

  • Parents listen to your children when they tell you of inappropriateness.
  • We are not equipped to judge the truth because we are most often guided by our emotions where our children are concerned so get your child counseling by professionals who can get to the truth and they will take action or advise you where to go from there.Be advised that they are bound by law to report their findings to law enforcement if evidence of impropriety is discovered.
  • Watch your children for signs but don’t interrogate, have calm conversations so that your child feels comfortable and non-threatened talking to you.
  • Support them no matter what! You don’t have to approve of what they do and they should know that but they need to know that they have someone in their corner unconditionally.
  • Be honest with them about your feelings, let them know that you are angry about what happened to them but don’t show bitterness.
  • Tell them that the two of you will get through this together, step by step.
  • Don’t rush the process.

Your child’s ability to heal will depend upon your reaction.

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13 thoughts on “Childhood Sexual Abuse – Part One

  1. I second your other commenter: Your bravery speaks volumes, Patricia.

    And not only that, I can’t imagine the lives you’re changing or saving just by writing about everything you’ve been through. You are an amazing person, blogger, and survivor.

    As a new mother, I am deeply grateful for the suggestions you offer, though I hope I never have to use them. I fear for my daughter’s future in this world, but I’ll do my best to protect her!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Your bravery is amazing!!! Reading this has inspired me. I believe they say 1 to of every 4 women will be sexually assault in their lifetime…hand raised here. This post just inspired me to share my truth…which is something I actually vowed to never do. But, sharing your truth is a GREAT way to help others. Also, I love the suggestions you offer.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks. You know,the person who benefits the most from telling your truth is you. No more trying to hide, no more shame, no more self blame. There is no greater fear than fear itself, I know that to be true. I lived alone for many years and have no fears about it. Why? Because I thought about the worst thing that could happen and once I faced that fear, I was able to dismiss it. You will get so much support from revealing your truth, I promise you. Revealing the truth about my brother was huge for me. I didn’t write for so long because I was afraid of how my writing might affect my family. So I started blogging and I get braver and braver. The blog is for me and my readers. No one knows who I am or who my family is though I do have a tendency to share some details. My brother is one of those people whose molestation gave sensations that became almost addictive. He crossed some lines but has come to understand the underlying cause. If you read “Emil” and “Anna” who were my grandparents you will see why I resent my brother. I also resent that sexual tie to him even though neither of us was old enough to know what was happening. Incest is a creepy thing, in my opinion, it is the worst of the worst. I guess that is why it was so huge. Thanks again for reaching out. I will be looking for your blog on child abuse. You can do this!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Excellent article, do you have a Twitter account, I’d like to tweet this.
    (I know all too well about Dr. Phil and his shows), but as you’ve explained about child sexual abuse, the pain and hurt we carry throughout our lifetime is horrendous. On the other side, the people being falsely accused of probably the most despicable crime will have a difficult time in life also. Stay strong. Deb

    Like

    1. This is an awesome comment to receive. Thanks. I don’t do Twitter or any social media due to all the drama and crime I have seen and heard about. I sometimes wish I did but my husband and I have agreed because we do agree. I love that you agree with me about people being falsely accused. If there is any way I can help to get it on Twitter, let me know.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Actually it is on Twitter, I reblogged this on my blog which also sends it to Twitter. I just wanted to send it on its own for your own credit. I’m trying a “pay-it-forward” approach tip that I picked up from a fellow blogger. If an article or post really catches my attention/keeps me reading or I wish to reblog, I’ll Tweet it so it will get exposure. Only fair and yours was one of those. 🙂

        Like

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