My writing has been pretty heavy lately, so here is some light humor:
When our daughter was working at a pharmacy as a tech, a really buff guy was in line dressed in his workout clothes. Here’s the thing, he had a stream of toilet paper hanging out of his back waist band. All the girls working in the pharmacy were trying to get each other to tell him, but no one did. She said what made it funnier was that he seemed very cocky but little did he know… Wouldn’t you think at least one of the other customers would have told him?
My mom, sister and I are all seriously ADD so when we get together, crazy things can happen. The best part about it is that we can laugh at ourselves and each other. So, one day the three of us were shopping and as I was driving out of the parking lot of Hobby Lobby, I was telling my mother a story about my sister driving through a parking lot the wrong way, when I pointed it out to her she said “It’s o.k., I’m just cutting through.” like that would avoid a head-one collision. Mom and I were laughing and I noticed that my sister wasn’t laughing so I said “Uh-oh, she doesn’t think its funny.” I looked in the rear-view mirror asking, “Are you mad?”. In actuality, she didn’t even hear the story because she wasn’t even in the back seat. I left her in the parking lot when she went to return the basket. We turned around and went back and she was standing where the car had been with her hand on her hip and a fake stern look on her face. We laughed and laughed.
My husband, Danny, has white hair making it easy to find him in a crowd. I went to Texas Road House restaurant to meet him and our daughters for dinner. One inside the restaurant, I walked to where I thoughtI saw his hair which turned out to be a round topped fake cactus with white hair looking spines. There were a lot of these cacti so it took me a while to actually find him. I can’t help but think about that every time I go to that restaurant.
Our son and daughter-in-law love to tease their kids, especially the middle daughter because she gets so mad. She is a tiny thing and was about 5 at the time. Our son was teasing her and she turned around and said “You are nothing to me.” and turned back and walked off.
Recently, our daughter-in-law was teasing the same granddaughter by pretending that the granddaughter’s favorite cat loved my daughter-in-law more than her. The granddaughter got mad and said “She has never even met you.”
Our 3 year old grandson was spending the weekend with us and Danny said something to him and the grandson walked off saying “Whatever, Bro.”
Our daughter-in-law was talking to a group of our family members about her girlfriend. She said, “She is dating a Mexican!” in a righteous tone of voice. Someone said, “Duh, you are married to a Mexican.” She had the most stupefied look on her face and we have never let her live it down
After a camping trip, my mom woke up and she was squatting next to her neighbor’s house, peeing. I guess some habits are hard to break.
My mom who has no fear of creepy animals once heard a possum in the trash. She decided that my sister and I needed to see it because she considered us, “City Girls”. We wanted no part of it and were totally freaked out To get to our bedroom, you had to go down the outside stairs and inside a screened area that had a door with a latch on the outside. There was also a screen door and a wood door to our bedroom (the bedroom was an add-on). Mom said if we didn’t open the door, she was going to put the possum between the wood and screen doors and leave it. Unfortunately for her, the door leading to the outside from the screened in area had latched when it slammed shut so she was locked in. No way were we going to help her to get out. So, I climbed out our bedroom window and went upstairs to get my dad’s help. I made him promise not to let her out until I had climbed back through the bedroom window. He cooperated. Pretty sure she was drunk but it was funny
My ex was drunk one time and when he got home from the grocery store, an egg was broken in a newly purchased carton. Mind you, he was a chemical engineer and highly intelligent and cheap. Determined to save the egg, he gets a bowl and turns the whole carton upside down to pour the broken egg into the bowl with the remaining eggs still in the carton. Needless to say….
Once when our son had friends over, Danny heard them laughing hysterically and went to see what was going on. One of our son’s friends who was about 12 and husky/chubby at the time was red faced and pissed. As the story went, the boys were rough housing around on the floor and this boy was bent over. Zeus, the Great Dane thought he looked really enticing and started “humping” him. Poor kid, these boys have been relentless ever after.
Zeus got out of the back yard once and the neighborhood kids were trying to help corral him. Zeus ran after the same kid and pulled the kid’s pants down in the middle of the street.
When Danny sneezes, he sneezes 5 to 7 times in a row. Once when he was at the grocery store, he had one of his sneezing sessions and he heard someone on the next aisle say “Bless you Danny.” Our neighbor recognized Danny from his sneezing. When he sneezes, people around will most often say “Bless You” and it gets kinda embarrassing when he keeps going and they have to keep blessing him. I usually say something like “This could go on for a while.” or “You might want to wait until the end.” so they can move on.
We went out to eat with my parents for Mom’s birthday recently and I saw on the menu that you eat free on your birthday so I pointed it out and when the waitress came to take our order, told her it was Mom’s birthday. After all was said and done, Mom told the waitress in a low voice “I really didn’t know that my meal would be free because it was my birthday, I am not trying to take advantage.” We all rolled our eyes. When the check came, Mom started saying “Frank, do you need a tip?” and “Now Frank give her a good tip, she was really nice.” and hovering over him the whole time he was paying. I explained to Danny that according to Mom, Frank is a cheap tipper and it embarrasses her. She has a tendency to overcompensate when he isn’t with her for his “cheap” tipping.
A similar story: My dad was transported to a well-renowned hospital in Houston by helicopter. He had contracted pneumonia when he had heart surgery. When he was at the new hospital, he asked a nurse for a box of tissues and added “We will pay for them.” I told him, “You will definitely pay for them Dad, big time.”I guess he didn’t know about hospitals billing the insurance companies $20.00 for a box of tissues. Both my parents had a tendency to go overboard in trying not to take advantage, that was and is a good thing.
Mom called me recently and said “Let me tell you what happened.” She went to China Wok to pick up food to go and said that their door was locked. She said they are never closed when she goes there. Not being one to give up easily and probably craving Chinese, she knocked on the door. A man opened the door just enough to poke his head out and asked if he could help her. She asked, “Are ya’ll open? The door is locked.” The man asked “Are you by any chance looking for China Wok?” and she said she was and he said “China Wok is next door.” and closed the door. As it turns out it was a nude modeling studio and/or massage parlor. She said, “They wouldn’t let me see in!” very indignantly and I just shook my head. Mom has a tendency to be nosy.
Once when I worked in commercial property management, the power went out in the high-rise building where our office was located. We were also management for the building. One of the executives asked to borrow my cigarette lighter so he could use it to see in the restroom. I was on my way to the restroom also but I deferred to him. When I got into the restroom, it was pitch black but I figured I could feel my way. I am 4’ll” so I almost had to jump up to get onto the toilet. All of a sudden, I panicked thinking “What if I am sitting on a Urinal?”. As it turned out, I was on the handicapped toilet. It didn’t occur to me that Mr. D was in the men’s room so I couldn’t have gone into the wrong restroom.
When my dad was in CCU and the family was camping out in the waiting rooms, I woke up from a deep sleep and headed for the restroom. The hospital was doing construction at the time so I wasn’t real clear as to what was what. I was sitting on the toilet and I looked up and lo and behold, there was a urinal in front of me. Yep, I was in the men’s room. Luckily, it was the middle of the night so traffic was light.
My roommate was getting married and she was having my dress made by her seamstress. One Saturday, we went to her seamstress’ house for a fitting. We rang the doorbell and a man answered and let us in offering a seat on the sofa. While we were waiting, we noted that there were several other somber looking people sitting around the room. The man said, “I guess you are the Smiths.” My roommate said, “No, I’m Pam and this is Patty! Is Ms. so and so here.” The confusion on the man’s face cleared and he said, “Oh, they live next door.” We were so embarrassed but that wasn’t the end of it. When we got into Ms. so and so’s house and told her what happened in between gales of laughter, she said, “I’m so sorry you did that, they just had a death in the family.
Same roommate, our phone rang in the middle of the night. We had been getting obscene calls so like an idiot, I kept asking, “Who is this?” My roommate who had picked up the extension was half asleep and like a bigger idiot kept saying, “It’s Pam.” I would say “No Pam, there is someone else on the line. Who is this?” and she would say, “It’s Pam, Patty. It’s me Pam.” OMG! She was dating a police officer and told him she wanted a gun. After that, I told him, “If she gets a gun and she shoots me, I want charges filed for murder. If she wakes up in the middle of the night and comes across me, she will surely shoot me because she wakes up stupid!”